"Malawus to present the pun king"
Having made friends groan
with his awful puns over the years, John Pollack,
29, of Ann Arbor flew to
Austin, Texas, last weekend to be in a punning
contest. He found himself
Sunday on a stage outside the O. Henry Museum, a
house where the writer once
lived.
John's first opponent was
a Texan named Paul, and the moderator announced
the topic: flying machines.
Thinking fast- contestants had but five seconds
per pun- John hoped aloud
he'd pick the Wright machine. Paul said he may B52
but could still pun. John
called Paul a real Tomcat. Paul said he wished he
could B24.
This went on for seven awful
minutes, in front of an audience on blankets on
the lawn. Neither man faltered:
it was a draw.
John's second round was against
a self-confident woman in blue; the topic was
men's names. Back and forth,
they exhausted the easy ones first. Who's that
in the John? Bill me later.
Art's expensive these days. And so on.
When those ran out, John strained
to hold on, Augustus is a pretty tough
contest,he said, and of his
opponent, he said she Caesar opportunities and
takes 'em. Eventually, she
drew a desperate blank- and was out.
John, with a headache, moved
on. Against his third opponent, an EMS technician,
he traded rapid-fire football
puns. I hope I'm not the first down. I hope I'm
not the second down. I'm
no Saint.I'm not Lion.
The seven minute bell rang-
another draw. Then came the finals, in which the
five remaining contestants-
of 32 who began- competed in a single round.
Countries of the world. Egypt
me! one said. Don't be a Spain, said another.
Malawi to make another pun,
John said. China get one up on me? somebody asked.
And on and on.
One contestant gave up, and
two were disqualified when they couldn't deliver
puns in their five-second
turns. That left John- rather amazed at his success-
and the EMS technician. The
topic: external body parts.
I think I'm a nose ahead.
That pains me to the bottoms of my sole. Were going
to have to gut this out.
This is a hairy situation. That's a lobe blow. Eyelash
you with my puns. And so
on, until John's opponent came up dry.
Back in Michigan with his
trophy now- it depicts a horses ass- the project
manager for Henry Ford Museum
and Greenfield Village in Dearborn and son of
former state Sen. Lana Pollack
has renewed confidence in his punning ability.
Pity his friends.