The following are actual statements made during court cases:
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 Judge: I know you, don't I?
 Defendant: Uh, yes.
 Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
 Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
 Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
 Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
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 From a defendant representing himself...
 Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
 Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly.  You are the one who stole my purse.
 Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.
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 Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the
 defendant?
 Defendant:  No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
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 Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
 Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
 Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
 Juror: That's not true.  I think prosecutors should be drowned at
 birth too.
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 Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
 Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you
 sustained while at work?
 Plaintiff:  Dr. J.
 Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?  
 Plaintiff:  Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he 
 was a good plaintiff's doctor.
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 Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
 case?
 Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
 Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
 Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
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 Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
 Judge:  And why is that?
 Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
 Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
 defendant's motion?
 Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor.  I wasn't listening.
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 Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
 Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
 Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
 Defendant:  Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your
 name. Not a damn thing.
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 Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness.  Have you anything
 to say in your defense?
 Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
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 Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address
 the court?
 Judge: Of course.
 Defendant: If I called you a s.o.b., what would you do?
 Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days
 in jail.
 Defendant: What if I thought you were a s.o.b.?  
 Judge: I can't do anything about that.  There's no law against thinking.
 Defendant: In that case, I think you're a s.o.b..
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